The Legend of Zelda: The Hunt for the Triforce
by A Benevolent Wind
Summary: HUMOR - Link + Co. discover some Triforce rumors on the net, and it takes this author to set things right...


Narrator: It was a Dark and Stormy night, back in that awkward period known as April of 1998. All of you older Zelda gamers will remember this time (or hopefully you were too drunk to...). Let's just say it was really awkward. Most people had finally beaten OoT for the fifteenth time without getting hit once, getting the Kokiri Sword, or getting Epona. And yet... there was really nothing new coming from Nintendo. Sure, Mask of Mujula had been announced, and a few ugly screenshots had been released, but Nintendo was too busy making the game to try and lure any fans into developing insane rumors about it...  
  
But still... they all had OoT. And the Internet. :::shudders::: A most deadly of combinations.  
  
Since the creation of the internet, people have been able to spread rumors far faster than they have been able to dispel them. And eventually, it got to the point where the Princess of Hyrule herself couldn't help but take notice...  
  
This Tale's Setting - Hyrule Castle - Three Years after the defeat of Ganondorf and Link is sent back in Time. Link, 13, now lives in Hyrule Castle with Impa and Zelda, 14, and is officially the "Guardian of the Triforce". He even gets his own room!  
  
Link: :::jumping up and down on bed::: WHEE:::bounce:::WHEE:::bounce:::WHEE:::bounce:::WHEE:::bounce:::WHEE!!!!  
  
Narrator: A Ping is Heard Off-stage, followed by an annoying voice proclaiming "You've got Mail!"  
  
Link: :::hears noise, bounces off bed, lands on floor in a not-too-neat manner::: fine, fine, I'm coming...  
  
Narrator: Link runs up to his computer (given to him by Princess Zelda for the purpose of monitoring the state of the Kingdom, but used far more for 2 am Minesweeper Fests:::  
  
Link: :::cuts in::: I've beaten it on expert!  
  
Narrator: :::applauds half-heartedly::: Link, shouldn't you be answering that E-Mail? It might be from the Princess.  
  
Link: Yeah, I /should/ read it... but it's probably just Zelda telling me about another Triforce Rumor or some Spam. I don't like spam, but I like Triforce Rumors less. Do you know how many times I've had to re-fight Ganon this /WEEK/? SIX.  
  
Narrator: :::shrugs::: that must stink for you...  
  
Link: :::opening up Email box on computer::: yeah, it does... I mean, really, doesn't Zelda understand the whole "I have a piece, she has a piece, Ganondorf has a piece - Triforces usually don't have too many pieces..." Thing? What is she expecting me to find? The part that goes in the middle? :::turns back to computer::: Yup, all Spam... spam, spam, spam... oo... "The Sword of Evil's Bane - Now in a Convenient Six-Pack!"... gone!... "Ganondorf only failed because he didn't follow the Evil Overlord list. Don't be a fool also. It's only 50 rupees for one copy."... DELETED!!!  
  
Narrator: Hey, there's a message from the Princess... why don't you read it?  
  
Link: ... aww... fine, fine, I'll read it...  
  
Email From Zelda: :::in annoying cursive pink glow font::: Hey Link Wuts ^? Can u go on IM? :) I need to show you sumthin really kool! 3 Zelz  
  
Narrator: Zelz?  
  
Link: Don't ask me... she's been like that for a while...  
  
Narrator: ... is it a girl thing?  
  
Link: I sure hope not... :::Link hops on IM - using the name Hero_0_Thyme, is IMed immediately by Zelly1234:::  
  
Zelly1234: :::in same annoying pink font as before::: HEY!  
  
Hero_0_Thyme: erm... hi.  
  
Zelly1234: SO, HOW DO U LIEK THE NEW COMP?  
  
Hero_0_Thyme: ... it's not bad... a bit confusing, but still fun.  
  
Zelly1234: :) GOOD!!!  
  
Hero_0_Thyme: Zelda... can you turn off your caps lock?  
  
Zelly1234: SURE!!! CHECK OUT THIS LINK 1ST THO!!  
  
Hero_0_Thyme: wait... it's not a link to a forum with a new Triforce rumor, is it?  
  
Zelly1234: NO ITS A LINK TO A FUNNY VIDEO SILLY  
  
Hero_0_Thyme: sorry... send it.  
  
Zelly1234: http://www.iamsomakingthisallup.com/funnyvideo1.swf  
  
Link: :::clicks link:::  
  
Narrator: ... Excuse me for asking, but why is your name Hero_0_Thyme?  
  
Link: :::twitches::: phanboys.  
  
Narrator: phanboys?  
  
Link: Yep.  
  
Narrator: ... a phanboy took the name HeroOfTime?  
  
Link: Yep.  
  
Narrator: ... and then another took the name HeroOf/Thyme/?  
  
Link: ...Yep.  
  
Narrator: ... wow.  
  
Funny Video: :::finishes loading, opens to a scene of the two Laughing Guys from Hyrule Castle Town talking to each other...  
  
Red Shirt Guy: Wanna hear a joke?  
  
Blue Shirt Guy: Okay.  
  
Red Shirt Guy: What do you get when you cross an insect with a rabbit?  
  
Blue Shirt Guy: What?  
  
Red Shirt Guy: BUGS BUNNY! GWAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Blue Shirt Guy: :::slaps knee::: WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Red Shirt Guy: :::continues laughing:::  
  
Blue Shirt Guy: :::continues laughing:::  
  
Funny Video: :::fades to black:::  
  
Link and Narrator: o_O?  
  
Hero_0_Thyme: ...erm...  
  
Zelly1234: DID U LIKE TI???  
  
Hero_0_Thyme: ... yeah, it wasn't bad...  
  
Zelly1234: GREAT THERE ARE FIVE MORE! CHECK THEM OUT!  
  
Zelly1234: http://www.iamsomakingthisallup.com/funnyvideo2.swf  
  
Zelly1234: http://www.iamsomakingthisallup.com/funnyvideo3.swf  
  
Zelly1234: http://www.iamsomakingthisallup.com/funnyvideo4.swf  
  
Zelly1234: http://www.iamsomakingthisallup.com/funnyvideo5.swf  
  
Zelly1234: http://www.iamsomakingthisallup.com/funnyvideo6.swf  
  
Hero_0_Thyme: ... erm... that's ok... let's just chat instead...  
  
Zelly1234: NO GO WATCH NOW!!!  
  
Link: :::meep:::  
  
Hero_0_Thyme: ok, I'll be right back...  
  
Funny Video #2: :::opens to Red Shirt Guy and Blue Shirt Guy again, but the video now has a theme sequence:::  
  
Red Shirt Guy: Hello. :::waves:::  
  
Blue Shirt Guy: :::waves:::  
  
Red Shirt Guy: I am walking down the street. :::character doesn't move:::  
  
Blue Shirt Guy: Wow, Red Shirt Guy, look at that! There seems to be a vorpal bunny blocking our path across this street. :::there IS no street:::  
  
Vorpal Bunny: :::hops onto screen:::  
  
Red Shirt Guy: ...That vorpal bunny looks somewhat familiar...  
  
Blue Shirt Guy: Aww... it's such a cute bunny... :::pets vorpal bunny:::  
  
Vorpal Bunny: :::chomps Blue Shirt Guy's arm off, nibbles happily:::  
  
Red Shirt Guy: That vorpal bunny just ripped my arm off! GWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Blue Shirt Guy: :::looks down at bunny::: ... Hey! He did! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HEY LOOK! NOW HE'S EATING /MY/ ARM!!! HEHEHEHEHE!!!  
  
Funny Video: :::fades to red:::  
  
Hero_0_Thyme: ... do i have to watch any more?  
  
Zelly1234: DONT U WANT 2 FINS OUT WHAT HAPPENS TO THE BUNNY!?!?!  
  
Hero_0_Thyme: ...not really...  
  
Zelly1234: YES YOU DO!!!  
  
Hero_0_Thyme: ...frankly, Zelda, I don't give a damn.  
  
Zelly1234: :(  
  
Hero_0_Thyme: ... so, was there something you wanted to talk about, or are you just going to send me more movies?  
  
Zelly1234: TALK BUT CN'T TYPE FAST  
  
Hero_0_Thyme: ... if that's the problem, why don't i just go into your room? i DO live three doors down from you, after all...  
  
Zelly1234: OK  
  
Link: :::sighs, gets up, walks out door, walks three doors to the right, enters:::  
  
Narrator: :::follows:::  
  
Link: :::walks into room, faces Zelda at pink computer, where she is currently typing "OK SEE YOU S-" by poking the keyboard with one finger:::  
  
Narrator: :::walks in, looks around the neon pink room...::: What's g... OH MY GOD MY RETINAS HAVE BEEN BURNED OUT!!!  
  
Zelda: :::pouts:::  
  
Narrator: QUICK SOMEBODY GET ME A BLINDFOLD!!!! :::wirthes in pain on the floor, covering eyes with hands:::  
  
Link: :::kneels down next to Narrator:::... It's just pink... You'll get used to it in a bit... trust me... :::gently pries Narrator's hands off of her eyes:::  
  
Narrator: pink, pink, pink, Pink, Pink, PINK!!!! ARGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!  
  
Zelda: Erm... Link... :::stands up, walks toward Link and Co.::: who's that?  
  
Link: ... I dunno. She just appeared in my room in a burst of blue light when I was jumping on the bed...  
  
Zelda: Didn't you try and get her out?  
  
Link: ... no. I was too busy.  
  
Zelda: ... Jumping on your bed?  
  
Link: ... yes?  
  
Zelda: -_-... :::turns to Narrator, a girl in jeans and a black shirt which says "Fairy Princess... With Attitude" on it in glittery white writing:::  
  
Narrator: :::ponders:::... My friends call me Andi... My enemies call me... Andi... You can call me... uh... Andi too, if you like...  
  
Zelda: So... Andi...  
  
Andi: Yeppers?  
  
Zelda: ... How exactly did you get here?  
  
Andi: :::shrugs:::  
  
Zelda: ... ok... so, you have no clue at all how you got here?  
  
Andi: ... nope!  
  
Zelda: ... and no clue how to get back?  
  
Andi: :::shrugs:::  
  
Link: ... Wanna see my sword? It's SHINY!!!  
  
Andi: OO!! SHINEY!!!  
  
Link: ... and pink... :::pulls out pink marker, draws smiley face on blade of Master Sword:::  
  
Zelda: OOO!! PINK!!!  
  
Link: ... works every time... So, Zelda... what is it you wanted to talk about?  
  
Zelda: :::points to computer screen, where a page labeled "FIND THE TRIFORCE... REALLY!!!" is open on her desktop:::  
  
Link: :::walks toward computer:::  
  
Zelda + Andi: :::snarl, grab onto Master Sword, are dragged along by Link:::]  
  
Link: :::scrolls down page::: ... Triforce... Beat Game Without Getting Master Sword... Talk to Dark Link... Find Parachute, Jump Into The Gerudo Valley Ravine... blahblah... Swim To The Fishing Pond... Catch The Owl With The Hylian Loach... yadayada... Tickle Him Until He Teaches You "Some New Song"... ho hum... And GET INTO THE SACRED REALM, FIGHT THE T-REX GUARDING THE TEMPLE OF LIGHT, AND STAB THE TRIFORCE OUT OF HIM!!!!  
  
Zelda: :::In a giant pink bonnet. Has set Andi and Master Sword up in chairs in a corner for a tea party.::: Hello, Dr. Swordopolis, lovely weather we're having, eh?  
  
Dr. Swordopolis: :::smiles:::  
  
Andi: :::nibbles on plastic cookie, eats teacup, gives occasional insane glances at shiny sword:::  
  
Zelda: Good! And how's Mrs. Swordopolis doing these days? You know, I haven't talked to her in the longest time...  
  
Dr. Swordopolis: :::smiles:::  
  
Zelda: Oh, that's nice to hear!  
  
Link: :::sighs, continues in monotone voice::: Wanna see my sword? It's shiny...  
  
Andi: :::looks up, instinctively lunges at Link:::  
  
Link: Whoa, whoa... :::fights Andi off of him:::... stop! No Sword! No Shiney!!!  
  
Andi: :::gradually calms down:::... oh, sorry, lost control of myself there.  
  
Link: ... right... :::grabs Andi, runs out of castle and onto Hyrule Field as quickly as possible:::  
  
Andi: Whoawhoawhoa!!! You're definately leaving your sword behind... /In Zelda's Hands/!!!  
  
Link: Well, it's better than putting it anywhere near you... and besides, I usually don't need my sword to test out any of these rumors...  
  
Andi: ... ok... so what in the world are we doing?  
  
Link: We're going triforce hunting!  
  
Andi: ... sounds like a party...  
  
Link: Hold on. I just have to call someone up for information first. :::pulls out ocarina, plays Saria's Song::: Hello, Saria? Can you hear me now?  
  
Saria: Awww!! Hello, Mister Squirrel! How are you doing today? Oh, Collecting Nuts, are you?  
  
Link: Good!  
  
Saria: :::still talking to Random Squirrel #2 in Sacred Forest Meadow::: aw... yes, you're such a CUTE squirrel! Did you come to play?... Oh, here come your friends, Mister Squirrel!  
  
Link: Listen, Saria... I need some help with another Triforce Rumor... what do the Sages know about a parachute in Gerudo Valley?  
  
Saria: Hello, Squirrel buddies! Would you like to join me for a picnic? Oo... hey, what's that you're hiding behind your back?  
  
Random Squirrel #1: Squeek-Squeek...  
  
Saria: Come on, let me see!  
  
Link: Ok, so the Boss Carpenter has it? Ok...  
  
Saria: Oo! An AK-47! I've always wanted an AK-47!! Can I see it?  
  
Random Squirrel #3: Squee-Squeek!!  
  
Link: "It's a pain in the ass being 185 and looking like I'm ten?" Ok, Saria? Can you whine about this some other time? I'm kind of busy right now...  
  
Saria: Come on, Mr. Squirrel! I won't do anything to it! I just wan...  
  
Random Squirrel #2: :::BANG-BANG:::  
  
Saria: HEY! YOU SHOT ME!!! THAT WASN'T NICE!!!  
  
Random Squirrel #3: SqueeSqueekSqueeSqueeSqueek!!!!  
  
Link: Really, Saria! Everything here isn't "You-You-You"... /I/ need my own personal time too!  
  
Saria: :::gaspchokediebleed:::  
  
Random Squirrel #2: Squeek-Squee-Squee-Squeek!!  
  
Random Squirrel #1: Squeek-Squeek!!!  
  
Random Squirrels: :::scamper off:::  
  
Link: Ok, fine, be a bitch! Call me back once you calm down a bit... :::puts down ocarina:::  
  
Andi: Ok... so...  
  
Link: She's just being angsty, as usual...  
  
Andi: I'm sorry, what? I don't understand what's going on...  
  
Link: Let's see... Zelda just discovered some new internet OoT rumor sites out there, and with me being the "Guardian of the Triforce" as I am, it's my job to look into any rumors, however stupid, and find the Triforce and bring it back to Zelda to be protected...  
  
Andi: ... but doesn't Ganondorf have the last piece of the Triforce...?  
  
Link: ... that's what I said... but she said something about it "BEING ON THE INTERNET" giving it validity, and shooed me on my way...  
  
Andi: ... well, why don't you just /not/ go on these wild goose chases and just lie to her instead?  
  
Link: :::gasps!::: But... I'm the Hero of Time! I can't lie!  
  
Andi: Fine, then! I'll lie for you! See this? :::picks up triangle-shaped rock off ground, pulls out yellow spraypaint can, sprays rock::: See this? This is now the Triforce of Power... Okay?  
  
Link: Ooo... shiny!  
  
Andi: Hey! My line!!!  
  
Link: Ok... so this is the Triforce. Got it.  
  
Andi: Good! Now you bring that back to Zelda and get her to shut her trap up... and while you're at it, pull out the Megaton Hammer and give her room the redecorating job it so desperately needs...  
  
Link: Okie-Dokie! Can do! :::evil look on face, scampers off into sunset with his still-wet Triforce in hand:::  
  
Andi: :::hears rustle in bushes behind her, turns around:::  
  
Bush: :::rustle-rustle:::  
  
Andi: Stop right there, or I'll smie thee with the.... erm... /DEKU STICK OF JUSTICE/!!!  
  
Ganondorf: :::pops out of bush::: EEKDON'THURTMEPLEASE!!!  
  
Andi: WAH!!!  
  
Ganondorf: ... hey! WAIT! You don't have the Deku Stick of Justice! Liar!  
  
Andi: ... yes I do... it just shrunk...  
  
Ganondorf: Oh, okay!  
  
Andi: So, what's up?  
  
Ganondorf: ...nothing... just looking for the Triforce... you haven't seen it around here anywhere, have you?  
  
Andi: ... I don't think so, but last I checked online, the latest rumor was that some squirrels up in the Lost Woods were hiding it in their den... maybe you should look into it...  
  
Ganondorf: Wow? Really? I must have missed that rumor! Thanks a lot, kid!  
  
Andi: :::cackles::: and with that, every single plot hole of OoT was closed... thanks to one insane author... :::disappears in haze of blue light::: 


End file.
